Bun in the Oven
by Vampyre Heartbreak
Summary: Gaara is no match for a vengeful, pregnant Sakura. -GaaSaku, ShikaIno, KakaKure, IbiAnko, NaruHina- Oneshot!


I had a lot of fun writing this. I really did.

Also, this is my first time writing in this style ever, so tell me what you think.

I'm considering turning this into a drabble series. Like how various pairings find out their expecting or something. They won't all be in this kind of style, though. I think it might be fun, and if you think I should do it, make sure you tell me. In a review. Hah hah.

Beta'd.

Disclaimer: I lay no claim to Naruto, which belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. I am merely using the characters for my own twisted amusement.

Key:

**Bold is Sakura**

_Italics is Ino_

**_Bold-Italics is Gaara_**

* * *

_I give him ten minutes._

**You're being too generous. I give him three, four at the most, before he finds out where I'm hiding, and comes storming over here demanding for me to return home and rest.**

_Shouldn't you be doing that in the first place?_

**I'm pregnant, not dead, Ino.**

_What the hell does dead have to do with anything, billboard brow?_

**It sounds more dramatic. Especially since we both know I'm bad about staying in bed even if I am sick or injured. **

…_Point._

**I'm half-tempted to climb that tree as high as I can go, just to see how he reacts.**

_You have a death wish, don't you? You do realize he was a jinchuuriki up until a few years ago, and to a rather evil Bijuu at that?_

**Uh, yeah I know. I was there, remember? Where were you, hmmm?**

_Oh, shut up would you. Hey, I think I see sand. If you want to scare the crap out of Gaara-sama, you'd better do it soon._

**Nah, I won't. He'd probably wait until I popped this kid out and then kill me or something. **

_Just don't call him twinkle-toes again._

**I'll keep that in mind. **

_Good._

…

_So what's Gaara-sama think of being a daddy?_

**Oh God. Gaara being a dad. That's just wrong.**

_You're the one who got knocked up._

**We used protection, damn it!**

_Whatever you say, forehead. I'll believe you when you have proof._

**You want proof that Gaara and I started bumping uglies? Um, hello. There happens to be a bun in this particular oven, don't forget.**

_I meant that I wanted proof you used protection, dumbass._

**You pervert.**

_You're the one who had Kakashi as your Genin sensei, and Naruto as your closest friend. Next to me, of course. _

**Oh shut up.**

_Anyways, how'd Gaara-sama take the news that he was going to be a daddy?_

**You already asked me that.**

_And you didn't answer. Quit avoiding the question and answer, damn it._

**He took it fine.**

_Oh, come on. Give me something more than that._

**Gossip queen. I don't think he believed me at first, even if I wasn't the one to tell him.**

_You weren't going to tell him? Do you really think he's so unobservant as to not notice his longtime girlfriend slowly getting fatter?_

**Thanks, Ino. You're a great friend.**

_I try. _

**And anyways, I planned on telling him, and after that I softened him up by telling him that I'd managed to clear his week of stuff.**

_How'd you manage to do that?_

**A little bribery, a little threatening, and a lot of them staring at my cleavage.**

_Ew. The cleavage of a fat lady? Gag me._

**Okay, first of all, I'm not fat yet. And second of all, you're straight. Or at least I hope you are. If you're not, I think we have much bigger problems here. And third, Gaara happens to like my cleavage, thank you. **

_Bigger than how Gaara-sama's going to stash your body away from authorities? Gaara also had a fucked-up childhood. You can hardly blame him if his mental processes are also a little fucked-up._

**Why's Gaara going to stash my body again? Oh yeah? Last time I checked, I had nearly as many fanboys as you do, boar.**

_He's going to stash your body because you cleared his schedule, the schedule of a workaholic._ _Which just screams death. Duh._

_And that means that I still have more than _you_, dear forehead-girl._

…**Point taken.**

**And Gaara was the one who scared off all of my fanboys, duh.**

_You can hardly blame them for moving on. You always had weird taste in men._

**Thanks! And you're one to talk: at one point we were after the same boy-**

_-without success._

**Shut up, damn it! And now you happen to be dating the shinobi who prefers to watch clouds than to actually train.**

_Shika's a sweetie!_

**Of course he is. But that doesn't change the fact he's your polar opposite.**

_Like you and Gaara-sama, you mean?_

**Er, no. We're both intelligent, like to read, and surrounded by total morons.**

_Was that an insult?_

**You betcha.**

_You are so lucky that you are knocked up, forehe-_

_**Sakura!**_

**Hey, Gaara.**

_**Where did you go?**_

**I snuck out and called Ino. We've been hanging out here for five minutes.**

_**The entire time?**_

**Yup.**

_**I've been by here several times.**_

**Maybe you're just not that observant, Gaara.**

_**Whatever. You're coming in now.**_

**Hey! Don't cheat and use your sand to drag me inside! I wasn't done talking to Ino yet! Cheater!**

_**She can come in with you.**_

_I don't want to go in there! It's like a Satanist occult lives there or something._

**Not helping, Ino.**

_**Fine. Three minutes.**_

**Five.**

_**Three and a half.**_

**Four and a half. **

_**Done. Wrap it up, Sakura.**_

**Yes sir, bastard sir!**

_Sakura, only you would dare to antagonize a Kage like that._

**Huh. It must be this total lack of respecting I've had to do over the years.**

_Yeah. That's it. _

_How'd Naruto take you being pregnant? Or Sasuke-kun, for that matter._

**They don't know yet. Either of them.**

_They don't know? You realize that Sasuke-kun is going to realize what's happening when you start swelling like a fucking balloon, don't you?_

**You know, for a medical ninja, you must really suck at your job. What with your total lack of caring and everything. **

_I'm a very good medical ninja, thank you!_

**Whatever you say, piggy.**

_You're a moron, and I don't know why I spend my time with you._

**Ah, crap. You're starting to sound like Sasuke. You haven't started stalking him again, have you?**

_Please. I never stalked him half as much as you did. You took 'stalking' to whole new, unprecedented levels._

**Thanks. I think. And I looked meek in comparison to Karin.**

_That nutter._

**I never tried to steal his clothes or anything, at least.**

_Was that after he fought Itachi?_

**Deidara.**

_The really ugly girl?_

**Deidara was a guy. I think.**

…_You sure?_

**Not really. **

_We should go ask Sasuke-kun._

**I don't think he knows either. And all other Akatsuki members are dead, thank God. **

**And even then, it would take longer than I have left, and you know how stingy Gaara is, specifically concerning Sasuke.**

_Good point. _

_It shall remain one of those great, unknown mysteries of the world._

**What, like how Naruto is able to consume so much ramen in one sitting without getting sick, or how Sasuke has been able to stand despite that pole shoved up his ass for so long?**

_Exactly._

_How do you want your kid to look?_

**I don't care, as long as it gets Gaara's hair.**

_Aw, your hair is pretty!_

**His is prettier.**

_Like mine._

**Shut up, Ino. **

_How much time do we have left?_

…**Three minutes and twenty-eight seconds.**

_Oh, Shikamaru finally got up the energy to kiss me for the first time yesterday._

_Ignore the fact that we've been dating for six months._

**Good. About time you two swapped spit.**

**Was that crude? Maybe I should say 'express your undying love for each other' instead.**

…

**Not helping?**

_Gaara's been a bad influence on you, Sakura._

**He's been a good influence, too!**

_Oh yeah? Name one thing he's done for you as a good influence._

…

**Damn. Got nothing.**

_It's the ass, isn't it?_

**You betcha.**

_How much time left?_

**Two minutes, fourteen seconds.**

_Any chances of you getting out before the kid's born?_

**Seriously doubt it. Expect me out in about six months. Maybe a bit over.**

_Give 'em hell._

**You know it. I've currently decided to do the clingy-shrew-of-a-wife cliché and demand that he never leave my side, and swear an oath of loyalty to me and only me, and that he stay awake at all times in case I feel like getting some late-night nookie. Oh, and I'm planning on demanding on cravings I don't even feel, like whipped cream and pickles, and then to laps into hysterical sobs when he gets back due to the oath he took never to leave me, and then start accusing him of cheating on me with some whore, and then banish him out of the room before immediately calling him back for said nookie before falling out of the mood halfway through, and kicking him out of the room when he's stark naked while in tears.**

…_Wow._

_I think I'm actually speechless. I don't know what to say to that._

**Seriously? Sweet. I'm thinking of it as my own personal revenge against him.**

_Wait, whipped cream and pickles? Didn't Kurenai-sensei crave that?_

**That's where I got the idea.**

_Nice._

**Did you hear that Kaka-sensei finally got Kurenai-sensei to agree to a date?**

_Not surprising if you consider how much time he spends over at her house._

_At first I thought it was for her son, but then I noticed that her son was always away, in daycare or something whenever he was over. Kinky._

_Oh God, can you imagine Gaara-sama picking up your kid from daycare? I laugh in glee._

**Shut up, Ino.**

**They make a cute couple. Too bad for Anko, though.**

_Not really. Naruto, with the help of Hinata, got her on a date with Ibiki-san. _

**That's a match made in Heaven. Or hell, if you want to think of it that way.**

_What, because they're both sadists?_

**Yup.**

_I still can't believe you asked for Ibiki-san to be your proctor when you took the ANBU exam last year.. _

**Well, I had to make sure I didn't get preferential treatment, and I knew that Ibiki-sensei wouldn't dare do such a thing.**

_Ibiki-SENSEI?_

**Yeah, so?**

_WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!?_

**Two months ago, boar. He and Anko started teaching me to use the katana. **

_And why don't you call her Anko-sensei?_

**I tried, but she threatened to play slice and dice with my internal organs if I didn't stop, and I decided I like being in one piece. Funny, huh?**

_Wow._

**Yeah, I know.**

_How much time left?_

**Forty-three seconds.**

_I pity Gaara for having to put up with you for the next six months. Especially when you go all psycho-ass on him._

…**Psycho-ass?**

**What happened to Psycho-bitch?**

_Too cliché, and I like being different._

**Oh, of course. And what do you mean, poor Gaara?! Poor me! I'm the one who has to be stuck with his prissy ass!**

_**Sakura. Time's up.**_

**I have five seconds left, thank you!**

…

**Fine. Let's go. See you in a year, boar.**

_What happened to six months!_

**Too short of time period for Mr. Insecure over here. Knowing him, he'll get jealous over the baby.**

_**Shut up, Sakura.**_

**I love you too, twinkle toes.**

…

_No. Definitely poor Gaara._

_Most definitely. _

* * *

Erm, yeah, I like it. And yes, I made Gaara a daddy. Though it got me wondering how much many GaaSaku stories there were out there that involved Sakura being pregnant somehow, and then this story came into being. I'm putting it down as finished, incase I decided not to turn it into a drabble series. -nod-

And the main reason I wrote this was to hopefully make up for the utter crappiness of Constellations' seventh chapter, which in my opinion, sucked massively.

Please review!


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